


The Talk

by breeisonfire



Series: The Talk [1]
Category: Thunderbirds
Genre: Gen, I literally don't have any idea anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-15 22:45:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12330366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breeisonfire/pseuds/breeisonfire
Summary: Alan's family is on a mission to make sure Alan gets The Talk.





	The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> vikapediathat on tumblr and I somehow got on the subject of Alan getting The Talk. And this happened. I'm hilarious.

It starts with Scott.

Alan’s lying on his back on the floor of his room, watching a movie upside down. He doesn’t move when there’s a knock on the door, just yells, “Come in!”

“Alan?”

Alan rolls his head to look at Scott. The eldest is standing in the doorway, an expression in his face like he doesn’t know if asking is worth it or not. Alan just shrugs and reaches blindly for the remote, pausing the movie. “What’s up?”

Scott rolls his eyes before walking into the room, closing the door behind him. Alan starts to feel nervous; Scott’s got his ‘This-Is-Serious’ look on, and Alan can’t figure out why. His room is clean, his chores are done, he’s on downtime so he’s not being sent on a mission. Three’s in pristine shape - he just went over _every goddamn inch_ with Brains - and his schoolwork was finished on time.

Scott sits down on Alan’s actually made for once bed and looks like he’s debating where to start. Alan pushes himself up into a seated position, wondering if something has happened. Is anyone in trouble? Did someone get hurt?

Before Alan can work himself up too much, Scott finally opens his mouth and says, “Did Dad ever give you The Talk?”

Alan blinks. “The _what_?”

Then it clicks in his head. He can’t help but let out a relieved laugh and falls back on the floor. “ _Jesus_ , Scott, you had me scared.”

“Alan,” Scott doesn’t sound impressed. “Did he?”

“No, Dad never gave it to me,” Alan answers truthfully. He can’t believe this is happening. This is the funniest thing that’s happened in a while, not least of all because Scott looks _intensely_ awkward, like he’d rather be anywhere else than here.

“Well?” he says, because the youngest gets certain privileges, and tormenting your older brothers is definitely one of them. And technically, Scott brought this on himself.

“Well, you took biology, right?” Scott hedges, and Alan, through some Herculean effort, does not laugh at the look on his face.

“Right,” he says. “I know how it all works, Scott. ‘When a mom and a dad love each other very much -.’”

“Ok _ay_ ,” Scott interrupts him, which kind of sucks, because Alan had a punchline coming and it was a good one. “Good. Just, you know, Dad gave the rest of us it, and we realized that he probably didn’t give it to you, since…”

The _‘He died before he could give it to you_ ’ goes unsaid, but Alan hears it anyway. And suddenly it’s not really funny anymore.

“Uh, thanks,” he says. “But I don’t think I need it.”

Then he grins, “I have access to the internet, you can find all sorts of things there. Did you know -”

“ _No_ ,” Scott says, standing up. “No, you are _sixteen_ , I am not hearing this. I am not playing this game with you.”

“But I have questions!”

“No!”

* * *

 

Virgil corners him later that day, in the kitchen. Alan freezes, absolutely convinced he's in trouble, until he realizes he's literally eating lunch and has no reason to feel like he's been caught red-handed.

Apparently his conscience is just perpetually guilty. This is ridiculous.

"Did Scott talk to you?" Virgil asks, completely skipping the greeting.

_Oh, God, they've teamed up._

"Yes," he says slowly, because overall he doesn't know what Virgil could add that Scott wouldn't have already said, if Scott had actually said anything.

_Is this a prank?_

"Good," Virgil says, and he looks like he means it. Alan doesn't know what to do with that.

He decides to ignore it, and takes a bite of his rice.

Which is of course when Virgil decides to say, "Here," and holds out a hand. In it is a package that Alan recognizes, despite never having used one.

It's a condom.

Alan immediately chokes on his rice, because holy _shit,_ what the _hell is happening_.

Virgil looks concerned as Alan coughs, and looks like he's about to move forward and honest-to-God give Alan the Heimlich maneuver, and honestly, today has already been too much. Alan holds up a hand, and manages to cough his way past the rice. He takes the glass of water Virgil passes him gratefully and gulps it down before finally managing to say, "What the _hell_?"

"It's a condom," Virgil says.

"I know that!" Alan says, though Virgil doesn't look convinced. Whatever, that's fine. "Why are you trying to give me one?"

"Just in case," Virgil says.

"In case _what_?" Alan demands, feeling like reality has literally been turned on its head. "In case you've forgotten, we live on a remote island. When and with _who_ would I have sex?"

Virgil shrugs. "We're not always on the island. One day you might need one and not have it."

Alan suddenly wishes he was on rotation and someone in another galaxy needed rescuing, because Virgil looks earnest and all Alan wanted to do was eat his rice.

"Just take it," Virgil says, and Alan gives up. Anything to get out of this conversation. He takes the condom and escapes the kitchen.

Halfway to his room, he realizes he's left his rice in the kitchen and groans.

* * *

 

Alan hates his brothers. He honestly hates them.

Now Gordon's in his room, and Alan's considering dealing with the wrath of Scott and punching him in the face. Gordon's smirking, and Alan knows for a _fact_ that he hadn't got The Talk until it was too late (their dad  _f_ _orgot_ , somehow), and he is going to kill Gordon and whoever decided these things had to happen today.

He's also pretty sure Gordon's full of shit. The things he's been telling Alan cannot be actually physically possible. Also, he never wanted to know anything about Gordon's sex life. This is officially gone too far.

"Okay," he says loudly over Gordon's recounting of a night shortly after he won the Olympics. "I get it. I didn't want or need to know any of that, thanks."

Gordon just somehow seems more amused, and Alan's pretty sure at this point, Scott might actually take his side if he tackled Gordon.

"Right," Gordon says, and holds a hand out, and in his hand is another condom. _Why_.

"What, Virgil gave you one too?" Alan asks.

Gordon looks surprised. "Virgil has condoms? What for, he doesn't need them."

Which isn't true, but if Gordon hasn't figured out about Brains and Virgil yet, Alan's not gonna tell him. "Neither do I!"

Gordon blinks at him, then at the condom, then back up. "Yeah, well, take one anyway. Safe sex is important, you know. STIs aren't a joke, Alan, they're really serious, and if you ever got a girl pregnant, I think Scott's head would explode. And if it's with a guy, you still have to wear one, unless you know you're both clean, without a doubt."

Alan sighs, because Gordon actually sounds serious now. "Fine."

Now he has two condoms, and still no reason to use them. _Please, God, let this be the last of it._

* * *

 

Of course it isn't. Kayo drags him into the gym, and announces, "I'm gonna teach you a basic self-defense move, in case anyone ever tries to force themselves on you."

Alan's in pajamas, having just gotten out of the shower and planning on playing video games for the rest of the night, since he's still off rotation for the next two days. "Uh?"

"Consent is important," she informs him.

"I am aware," Alan says, and wonders why they all seem to think he's never heard any of this before. "Why is this happening?"

"You're sixteen," Kayo tells him, a knowing look in her eyes. "And you're the youngest. I take it they're not doing a great job at this?"

"I have condoms now," Alan says, as they both sit and start stretching. "I don't know why."

"Oh," she says. "I guess you don't need this one, then."

She pulls one out of her pocket. Alan drops his head into his hands, because honestly. _Why._

"You have them, too," he says, and it's not a question.

"Well, this one is from Gordon's stash," Kayo admits, and Alan has to laugh at that. "I borrow them frequently."

"I didn't need to know that," Alan says. "Am I going to be ambushed by everyone else?"

"Probably," Kayo says apologetically. "Let me show you this move. And if you ever have to use it, find me right afterwards, so I can kill them for you."

Alan grins. "Deal."

* * *

 

He's sore from Kayo's lesson, which had turned into a spar that he lost spectacularly, and is gingerly lowering himself down to the floor in front of his TV when his comm beeps. He answers it and cuts John off before he can say anything.

"Are you going to give me a condom, too?"

John stares at him for a moment, then says, "Why would I have condoms? I'm in space."

Alan throws his hands up. "Finally! Someone makes sense!"

John grins. "It's going well, then?"

"I hate all of you," Alan says. "And I don't understand why everyone's so convinced I'm going to suddenly start having sex. When would I have the chance? When do I leave the island?"

John tilts his head, probably picking up on the mildly bitter note Alan had tried really hard to hide. But he doesn't comment on it, instead saying, "Do you have any questions? I can probably help with the scientific side from it, but if you're looking for personal experiences, I'm probably not the one to ask."

"Gordon's got that covered," Alan says dryly. "How did you know you weren't interested in it?"

"I experimented," John says. "It didn't do anything for me, and that hasn't changed. I did research, too. Do you want me to send anything to you about it? I can find some of the things I read when I was learning about it."

"Sure," Alan says.

"Okay," John says. Then he hesitates, clearly picking out his next words carefully. "You know if you want some space, off the island, I can talk to Scott for you?"

Alan shakes his head. "No, I didn't mean it like that. I just don't understand why everyone thinks I didn't know about all of this already."

John nods. "Okay. But if you ever do want that, it makes sense. The offer still stands."

Alan smiles. "Thanks."

* * *

 

Brains grabs Alan after dinner and pulls him down to his workshop, which is not a great start. Even worse is when he pulls out his tablet and starts to type on it.

"Kayo m-mentioned you talked to Gordon," he says.

Alan sighed. "I have talked to everyone. Are you in on this, too?"

Brains doesn't look apologetic at all as he turns away, and Alan looks at MAX and makes a face. The bot beeps at him, clearly laughing, and Alan doesn't know if he's laughing with or at him.

The way the whole day has gone, he's pretty sure it's  _at_ him.

"Gordon hasn't t-t-told me his stories," Brains says, and Alan snorts.

"Probably because he knows you'll call him out on the physics of it," he mutters, and Brains laughs.

"That's what John said, too," Brains said, and hands Alan his tablet. Alan looks down at it and realizes it's a diagram of the female reproductive system.

"Uh," he says. "I've already studied this, Brains."

"I k-know," Brains says. "But it's good to review."

Alan stares at it for a little bit longer, then looks up at Brains. "Hey, Brains? Where did this come from? Why did everyone suddenly just swarm me today?"

Brains sighs, and takes off his glasses, cleaning them with a cloth on the desk next to him. "I'm not sure what b-b-brought it on, but there was a meeting. I think your brothers just forgot how young you are, since you j-joined International Rescue so early."

"Oh," Alan says. "And they realized that Dad wouldn't have given it to me yet."

"I b-believe so," Brains nodded.

"Hang on, you guys had a meeting about me?" Alan says, feeling slightly annoyed. "About whether or not I'd had The Talk? Why didn't one of you just _ask_?"

"They d-d-didn't want to embarrass you," Brains says, putting his glasses back on.

"Was Grandma at the meeting?" Alan asks.

"Yes," Brains says.

"Traitor," Alan grumbles. "Thanks, Brains, but I've got another biology class coming up in a semester. If it doesn't go over it, I'll find you."

"Okay," Brains says, looking confused. Alan doesn't really feel like explaining, just hurrying out of the workshop and up to the lounge.

Grandma's sitting on a couch, and she doesn't look surprised to see him.

"How'd it go?" she asks.

"You're a _traitor_ ," he says. "You let them all ambush me! All day! Why didn't you tell them you gave me The Talk when I was twelve?"

Grandma grins. "Why didn't you?"

The laugh gets out of Alan before he can stop it. He can't help it.

"I don't know!" he admits. "At first it was funny, and then it was just weird."

"I think they feel better having given it to you," Grandma says, and she reaches out to pull him  down on the couch next to her, putting her arm around him. "They're just worried you're missing out on certain things."

Alan shrugs. "It's not their fault. And I'm okay. I get to fly a rocket. I've been to Mars. I think I'm doing okay."

Grandma shrugs, though she's got a sad look in her eyes. "You're still a teenager. They don't like that they forget sometimes."

Alan doesn't know how to respond to that. He doesn't really think about the fact that he's not a normal kid. That seems kind of self-explanatory, given their family history. And yeah, being in International Rescue is a lot of work and a lot of pressure, but it's not like that's new. He can handle it. He's been handling it. He enjoys it.

He doesn’t really know who he’d be without it.

“It’s getting late,” Grandma says. “You should go to bed.”

“Okay,” Alan says automatically, and feels her pull him close. He feels her kiss him on the head.

“Love you, kid,” she says, and stands up, heading to the kitchen. Alan goes up to his room and lays down on the floor, turning the TV off.

He’s got a lot to think about.


End file.
